Little Problems of Married Life XVII · Improvement Era

Little Problems of Married Life.'

BY WILLIAM GEORGE JORDAN

XVII — When the Family Interferes Many a good matrimonial ship, with its sunlit cargo of happiness and hope, has been wrecked on the rocks of family interference. If it were customary to erect tombstones to the memory

of dead loves, the cause of the death of marital happiness in thousands of homes might be given in the chiselled epitaph : "Died !" from an Overdose of the Interference of Relatives If there be one place in the world where the justice of "Home — Rule" should be unquestioned, that place is the home. Marriage makes the couple a new firm, an independent partnership, not a branch house under the management of a parent company. It is a home trust controlled by two. No matter how loving, kind, solicitous and anxious the family of either partner may be for the success of the new firm, they must realize that they do not own it, that they are not stockholders, are not on the board of directors and must not interfere in the management. They may stand ready and willing to give loving counsel, sympathetic suggestion, and help and service in any emergency when needed and desired, but it is unwarranted to interfere. unfair, unnecessary, was interference and bad advice that spoiled the first mar- It

riage, started the first quarrel, and broke up the first home in the world in those early days, long, long ago when Eden was the only spot on earth that had even a name. This was the first lesson to man, and now after sixty centuries some people have not learned it yet. Husband and wife must work out their own problems in their own way. They must do it by the best light of their united wisdom, not by the flickering torches of obtruded advice from the family. They must convert their experiments into experience, transmute little failures into great successes and little failings into

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finerstrength, win confidence and closer union through fuller understanding of each other, learn the superiority of a caress to logic, master their own problems and gain the strength that comes from mastery. The problems of two must be solved by two. They need only kindness, sympathy, a reserve of help in emergencies and a free open field all the time. There is no justification for gossip, criticism, complaint, condemnation and incendiary meddling by members of the family. These things should be put on the list of unnecessary luxuries in the home and gently, firmly, definitely cut off. We may sometimes be privileged to help others to live their lives ; it is arrogant assumption for us to attempt to live their lives for them. We are told that we should not bury our talents, but there is one talent, —that of special aptness for impertinent — management of the affairs of others that we should carefully wrap in a napkin and on some dark night, quietly bury forever. It is in the first years of married life that foreign interference

is most trying and dangerous and it is this very time when it is most conspicuous and dominant. No need for the family to remind the wife that the husband is not eighteen karat, that he will never — make a fortune, that they fear greatly and then let their fear expand into a long catalogue of detail that fades away into the dim perspective of the unspoken. After the goods are bought and sent home and cannot be returned, what is the use of discouraging the purchaser? Why not point out some recognized good points, something helpful and inspiring? It is manifestly unfair

for the family to sit as a self-appointed jury of awards and criticize and condemn the exhibit. The wife may think she has the finest little home in the world ;

everything seems beautiful to her and she has even pride in the array of cooking utensils, dazzling and new in aluminum and tin, and the dishes ranged carefully on the pantry shelves. She often — stands at the door and smiles as she looks in to get the general effect at a glance. When the family makes a tour of inspection, her indiscreet sister may say, "Oh, what a mite of a kitchen. You can only wash the small dishes like cups and saucers in a little box like this." It had never seemed small to her, none of the

rooms seemed small they held so much love and hope and happi- ;

ness that the size did not count but now her heart sinks, and the ;

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joy note seems gone and a cloud comes over it all and she begins to compare her home with that of some friend and it suffers. She thinks of all the other deficiencies pointed out by the visitinginspectors. She tries to be brave so she will be smiling when he comes home but it is hard to keep back the tears. When her husband's sister tells her in confidence, "just to put you on your guard so you will know how to handle him," what a temper he has, it comes to her as a surprise and a grief, for it does not seem possible he could ever speak a cross word. When she hears, still in confidence, about the "girl he was so much in love with two years ago and was going to marry," she feels twinges of vague jealousy and she wants to be alone. He, too, may suffer from the early stages of family interference if his mother begins her maternal vivisection of his wife. She doubts if she will prove a good housekeeper, but "of course we have to hope for the best." Little possible failings are discov-' ered, aired and discussed with genuine love for the son and honest wishes for the success of the marriage, but such a jumble of doubts and fears and such a strenuous effort to be just and to be optimistic in a heroic way like one trying to calm frightened passengers in a shipwreck that he breaks away as quickly as possible knowing that his wife is really way above par, but the interview has wearied him. Soon the family may begin a campaign of education on how she should manage him. She hears with irritation the words "You surely won't let him smoke in the parlor! You know you can never get the odor out of the curtains and that cartridge paper drinks in smoke like blotting paper absorbs ink." If she weakly assents they increase the dose ; if she rebels they think she is overconfident and setting her right becomes more than a pleasure — it

is a duty."Never permit him to be five minutes late at dinner. Just assert your independence," is the next shot from this peacecongress in the interests of domestic war. So the siege goes on. The husband may return home in the evening and find the wife nervous, irritable, brimful of suggestednew arrangements in the home, and repairs that he might make in his manners and disposition. She does not tell him who has been there all after-, noon but he knows it as absolutely, from the traces left in her

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conversation, as the hunter reads the passing of a bear from tracks in the snow. She may later tell him of a change to be made in one of the rooms and she unwisely names the member of her family who made the motion or he to sustain a position may repeat some ;

criticism his mother made. They are planting seeds of discord in each other's minds, unconsciously stimulating prejudice and opposition and intensifying- family interference. When a man buys a cheap hat he sometimes conceals the dealer's name with gilt paper initials. Let him be equally careful in the home to remove the identifying tag of authorship from any unpleasant advice that comes from his family. As the days go on, critical appropriation from the family committee on interference may grow harder and harder to bear. It is

depressing to live under the microscope of criticism, like an impaled insect. There is often condemnation where, if the full facts were known, there would be only praise. There is altogether too much judging in the world, too much idle intrusive censorship of the acts of others. It is uncomfortable to hear constantly that

"you ought to do this" or "you should certainly do that." It is so easy to solve the conundrums of another's life. The reason that advice is usually of little value is that it is not based on a perfect knowledge of the infinity of detail that makes up a condition. Perfect advice should fit the situation as a glove fits the hand most advice does not get much nearer than a ;

boxing-glove in the matter of fitting. That the family interference may arise from genuine interest does not excuse it nor even explain it where love is greatest it ;

should be most tender and most considerate. There are times when some tiny flame of misunderstanding arises between husband and wife that a breath of kindly interpretation might blow into nothingness, but, talked over by the family and canvassed and debated and intensified, grows into a conflagration. Under the gossip, often unthinking of its evil influence, a tiny molehill of difficulty may become an almost impassable Rocky Mountain range. Oil is a good thing to pour on troubled waters but it is poor to put out a fire. A difficulty that originally con-

cerned only a duet now has been made to affect the whole family

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choir. It is easier for two people to reach loving harmony than to distribute it among a dozen. Sometimes the interference of families becomes even more active and aggressive than this, and because of a fancied grievance or a genuine opposition itcomes between husband and actually wife and by harsh criticism or condemnation seeks to incite strife and discord between them. Here instant loyalty of the one to the other should assert itself and refuse to listen to the voice. In an instinctive spirit of protection there should be a calm, dignified protest against the recital of what if unessential should never be spoken, and if of serious import should be heard only in the presence of the one thus charged with what he or she should have the opportunity of denying or disproving instantly, before the weeds of suspicion have time to root themselves in the heart of the other. many homes, there is some one in the family, on either In side, whose visits bring a trail of sadness, sorrow, protest, bitter opposition, and unnecessary and unwarrantable intrusion of a discordant element tending to worry, irritate and perhaps even to bring into inharmony husband and wife. In this delicate situation it often seems a problem how best to act. The health and happiness of the home must be considered as of first and greatest importance. If it be but a trivial inconvenience or jar to the domestic serenity, the wisdom of tolerance for a time should be manifested. If it be of more serious menace, impossible to master by patient bearing, the privilege of hospitality should not be strained beyond the bearing point. There is a moment when sacrifice ceases to be a virtue and degenerates into cowardice, vice. There may be an injustice to oneself and to one near and dear that this unwelcome guesthood outrages. It is not true hospitality to mask the heart's continued protest under a smile, to submit unnecessarily to an atmosphere that saps one's mental and moral vitality, that dulls energy, deadens one's finer sensibility, and kills the joy of life, leaving one worried, weak, worn and weary, unable to meet as one should the questions of every-day living. If we constantly suffer injustice that we can remove, we are slaves to the individuality of another and cowards to our own. The rankling irritation of the unjust bearing, if continued, will permeate our whole nature, like an emotional poison. We should

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therefore act calmly, wisely, with kindness and dignity, and frankly recognize conditions and with perfect fairness take the gentlest action that will remedy them. Better a short, decisive battle fought to a finish than a constant series of petty squabbles and skirmishes. We cannot be just to others if we are unjust to ourselves. If one lives ever under the sceptre of the decision of others, it is not free life — it is slavery.. One cannot keep emotion constantly corked up ;some time that cork will come out perhaps inoppor-— tunely. True love, true companionship, true living, can reign in the home only as there is in the home an atmosphere of liberty, of individual freedom in its highest sense. If there be interference from outside forces, whether they be from the family or others, that tends to blight the joy, rest,

peace and calm of the home, that threatens to bring in even the thin edge of the wedge of discord between husband and wife —that interference should be silenced forever. The home should be a sanctuary of refuge, not a battle-ground of discord ; it should be a place where the angel of love ever swings the censer of peace, and calm, and happiness. ["The Incubus of Constant Faultfinding" is the title of the next chapter in this series.]