In Lighter Mood

IN LIGHTER MOOD. Smith— "If a Filipino ate his father and mother, what would he be!" Brown guesses "Full," then "Cannibal," then gives up. Smith — "Ha! ha! old man, an orphan, of course." Some Indians pick hops all through the heat of the summer, and spend in a day their entire earnings for glass beads, while all the time winter is coming on and no blankets and warm clothing are provided. Some people do this who are not Indians. A father had been lecturing his son upon the evils of staying out late of night and getting up late in the morning. "You never will amount to anything," he continued, "unless you turn over a new leaf. Remember that the early bird catches the worm." "How about the worm father?'* inquired the young man, borrowing the old sarcasm. "Wasn't he rather foolish to get up so early?" "My son," replied the father solemnly, "that worm hadn't bee» to bed at all. He was on his way home." Joseph Jefferson who died April 23, 1905, in Florida, believed in early marriages. At Yale last June he advised a group of juniors to marry just as soon as they could afford it. Then he went on. "I abominate bachelors: The older they grow, the more conceited they grow. I took one down a peg, though, the other day. He was talking about this woman he had known, and that woman he had known, and all these women, it seemed, had married. " 'Why,' I said, 'you are in danger of getting left. Why don't you, too, get married before it is too late?' " 'Oh, said the bachelor, with a chuckle, 'there are still plenty of good fish in the sea.' " 'But the bait,' said I; 'isn't there danger of the bait becoming " stale?' The New York correspondent of the Cleveland Plain Dealer thus tells how the office-boy got the better of former Secretary Root: "Said Mr. Root, 'Who carried off my paper-basket?' " 'It was Mr, Reilly,' said the boy. " '( 'Who is Mr. Reilly?' asked Mr. Root.

—— " T " 'The janitor, sir.' "An hour later Mr. Root asked, 'Jimmie, who opened that window " 'Mr. Lantz, sir.' "'And whois Mr. Lantz?' " 'The window-cleaner, sir.' "Mr. Root wheeled about, and looked at the boy. 'See here, James,' he said, 'we call men by their first names here. We don't "mister" them n this office. Do you understand?' " 'Yes, sir.' "In ten minutes the door opened, and a small shrill voice said, There's a man here as wants to see you, Elihu.' A certain man of letters who spent last summer in the Catskills reports having overheard the following conversation between two rustic fellow guests at his boarding-house table: First Rustic (cutting pie in two unequal pieces and giving his friend the smaller piece.) "Thar's yer pie, Jonas." Second Rustic (in an aggrieved tone). "Say, Elias, if I'd ben a dealin' out that pie I'd a' given you the biggest piece!" First Rustic. "Wal, Jonas, what 'yer kickin' about — ain't I got it?" "Say, Charley why is the Fourth of July like an oyster stew?" "Because we like it so, I guess. But what is your answer?" "Because it don't amount to much without the crackers." "Very good, very good! But why is the Fourth of July?" "What are you talking about, old fellow? You are talking no»- sense. Why don't you ask 'why is your grandmother?'" "I think you are the crazy one. You see, 'J' is the first of July, 'IT is the second, 'L' is the third of July, and 'Y' is the fourth of July." "Yes, that's pretty good, but I know what you are going to say next." "What?" "I simply knew you would say 'what.'" WomarCs Home Companion. The Hon. Amos. Allen, the successor in the House of the late Thomas B. Reed, relates how the former speaker once called upon the head of one of the departments on a matter of official business. The secretary was out, but a new private secretary, wearing hia newly acquired honors somewhat haughtily, was there. "Can you tell me when the secretary will return?'' asked Reed. ''Really," answered the private secretary, unaware of the identitj of the distinguished caller, "really, you know I have no idea." "Well," drawled Reed, "you look it!" Harper's Weekly.