A Mother’s Letters to Her Missionary Son. III

A MOTHER'S LETTERS TO HER MISSIONARY SON. EDITED BY SUSA YOUNG GATES. III.—ON THE STEAMER. My Dear Son Daniel.—This letter will be handed to you by the steamship agent as you board the ship which is to carry you safely to the land of your forefathers. You will wonder at my diligence in writing so often, but your sisters know how anxious I am to tell you some necessary truths about this wonderful work you have set out to do, and so they have taken a double share of the sewing and mending, to give me the time to write. I am wondering how your general health is, for on that will largely depend the extent of your sea sickness. As soon as you get on deck and can keep on deck: it is the best, and perhaps the only, cure for the dreadful nausea and headache which assails nearly all while on shipboard. Be prudent in your diet. It is right that you should eat plenty of wholesome, nourishing food. Bread, butter, good beef, mutton, poultry or fish, a few potatoes and other good vegetables, with occasional simple desserts of pudding and plenty of fruit, are sufficient. Don't eat five times a day because others do; don't permit yourself to take tea, coffee, or whiskey, because somebody tells you they are good for seasickness. They may or may not be, but certain it is that hot water, with a lemon in it, is far better than any of them for seasickness, as any physician will tell you, and you must be especially careful about the example you set. More of this in another letter. After you feel better of your sickness the time will begin to

442 IMPROVEMENT ERA. hang a little heavy on your hands. If you go second cabin, as no doubt you will, your quarters will be confining, and your possibilities for amusement rather few; but you will need the quiet and rest, after your long railroad journey. I hope you will spend no time on novel-reading. You have had all your young life to read such books, and ymu have already read many of the world's best books. I do not object to good novels, read at proper times. But you are going on a special work, and you must be prepared for that work. What would you think of a general who was planning a great battle, if he spent all his spare time, while traveling to the scene of action, reading trashy novels? Would he not rather be studying the maps and contour of the country he was about to labor in, acquainting himself as far as possible with every condition and circumstance of the people among whom his soldiers were to be quartered? So with you. Of first importance is the reading and study of the scriptures. Read your Bible and your Book of Mormon as often as you possibly can. You may weary soon, as you are young, and as yet not "in the harness." But do the best you can. Then, you will no doubt find some history of England in the ship's library. You are going to remain in England for several years, and it will be very interesting for you to know something of that beautiful and historic land. You have "studied" a little English history, but what you get in school is, after all, a suggestion, only a start as it were, in the real, actual study of any place, people, or country. You are, under the most favorable circumstances possible, to make a vivid and lasting impression on your mind as to historical England. Don't waste this glorious opportunity. Any history is good; read all you can. Macaulay's style is most exquisite; Greene deals with the people and their work, rather than with the royalty and their biographies. Then, too, read carefully the two English guide books sister gave you; they will prepare you to enjoy the beauties you are about to behold. And, best of all, try and get the English people about you to describe the part of the country they came from. Encourage any English person to tell you about his or her native land, and listen carefully to all the little stories you can persuade them to tell. You will be disappointed many times when you try

A MOTHER'S LETTERS TO HER MISSIONARY SON. 443 this, to find how few people there are who have ever observed; and there are fewer still who can describe what they have seen. Some can relate incidents, but the art of description is a rare one. Ask skilful questions about the manners and customs of those born in other lands, and you will glean much valuable information. I can hear you say, how, mother? for that is your constant question. And as ever, mother is glad to answer. Questions about marriage customs, burials, birth ceremonials, baptisms, church ordinances and beliefs, holiday observances, methods of work for farmers, tradesmen and professional men, the foods eaten and how prepared, the condition and status of women, of children, the laws both criminal and civil, and how administered; the amusements of the people and their politics; all these form the life and habit of a nation. Remember, dear son, that asking questions is a very delicate matter. Well bred people never show any curiosity about the people they meet as individuals. But interest about customs and conditions is always allowable, and generally agreeable. Preface your questions with some pleasant interchange of general conversation, and frankly state your interest in the country about which you are talking. Then go on with your interrogations; never, under any circumstances ask a personal question, for that is the height of rudeness. What information your companion may offer about himself or his history and life, listen to with generous and friendly interest. On no account, ask about a possible scar or blemish about your companion, for this indeed passes the bounds of endurance. Again, learn to be a good listener. A good talker is sometimes welcomed in society; I say sometimes, but a tactful, gracious listener is always the most delightful of companions. To be able to ask skilful questions, and then to listen patiently and with apparent vivid interest to the answers, no matter whether they be long or short, this is the highest art; and such a person will command attention and friends wherever he may go. Look the person you are talking with, especially if it be a man, directly in the eyes. The power of the eye is a well-known fact, don't you remember how father's glance used to make "the shivers run down your back," when he was reproving you. Men can and should always look frankly and sincerely at those with whom they converse, and

444 IMPROVEMENT ERA. you will thus acquire a wonderful power and advantage in all your dealings with men. Before leaving the subject of your conversations with others, let me add two important hints; if you are talking to a stranger, and he has told you some story of the wonders and marvels of his native land, don't try to out-do his story by telling of a more wonderful sight in your own country. Give your friend the unalloyed pleasure of showing up all the beauties his land can boast, for your wonders will not impress him unless he has seen them, and even then, you are after information, and are not trying to startle him with your eloquence or your country's splendors. Never interrupt a speaker, nor try to supply a missing word, much less correct any blunder he may have made. Learn to listen attentively to a story you may have heard before, and if you want to be a gentleman indeed, exert your will-power to refrain from telling the story-teller that you have heard that tale before. Avoid the women who may be on the boat. If they seek your society, be your own dear gentlemanly self; but put on your most dignified reserve, and be as coldly civil as your generous nature will permit. If you were like some young men I know, I should talk to you in quite an opposite strain. But you have been raised to admire good girls and good women, and like all good men, you are naturally attracted to their society; just now, however, your interest in all women must be entirely impersonal. No man ever really converted a woman by courting or "sparking" her; and the woman who is thus brought into the Church is a grave danger to the man who has so converted (?) her, as well as a poor sort of convert at the best. You are a minister of the gospel, and as such you must conduct yourself. I know you will be civil and kind to all women, and I am sure you will be grieved with any of your companion missionaries, if they should be rude or try to act smart with any woman, even the stewardess. But be charitable, for sometimes our young men forget or do not know how to behave; but a little teaching, a few words of advice helps them wonderfully for they are honest and pure, and they offend through ignorance rather than intent. Speaking of the stewardess reminds me that you will here get your first introduction to the tipping system so prevalent in

A MOTHER'S LETTERS TO HER MISSIONARY SON. 445 all European countries. I mean by this, that wherever you go in Europe you will find all those who do any service for you will expect a small fee besides their regular pay. It is certainly an abominable system, but we can't change it, you and I. All we can do is to accept conditions as they are and make the best of them. The steward who waits on you at table will expect something from you as you are leaving the boat. If you were going first-class, this amount would be increased enormously, as there are deck stewards, a stewardess and steward, head steward and others. I have paid $15 in tips on one voyage in a fine steamer, and then did not give half what most of the passengers did. If your money has held out pretty well give your steward a dollar; if not, fifty cents will do. Even twenty-five cents with a cheerful word such as, "I wish I could give you more," will be gladly accepted by your steward. If you feel you cannot give anything, at least tell the man you are pleased with his services, and you would give him something if you had it. These things are expected and you must conform to them, or be thought a boor and a charlatan. From the time you reach the ship till you return to America, you will have this thing to face, so do it cheerfully and with a good grace. Let me again urge you to be careful in all your behavior, especially at table. If any one tries to bully or "jolly" the steward; be sure you do not join in, even with a smile, but act at table as if it were the queen's table, no matter what others may do. Fruit is generally placed on the table before you sit down, but do not touch it till the last course. We have always permitted you growing, hungry boys to have two helpings at our own table, but this is not allowable in the world. There will usually be plenty served to satisfy your appetite before the meal is through, you may sometimes go hungry, for nearly all food is served in one dish, and passed by the waiter or steward to each guest in turn: and others will sometimes do what you will not; that is, they will heap their plates while they have a chance. But you will prefer your good manners to much food, and there will generally be enough. You have been taught to eat with your fork, to handle your dishes and knife and fork with care and quiet; likewise, you know better than to make any noise while eating, and your napkin will rest across your knees, and not be tucked under your chin.

446 1MPR0 VEMENT ERA. Take your bread with your fingers, do not spread it, but break off a piece, and butter it as you eat it. Watch your neighbor, and be ready to offer any little service; do not be too intent on your food, but remember you are eating, not feeding. Try to introduce some instructive and pleasant conversation, but avoid noise and loud laughter or talk as you would the plague. Do be careful to modulate your voice; we westerners are such outrageously loud talkers, our loud tones and great guffaws of laughter startle and annoy the stranger or European, and. prejudice them at once against us. Talk quietly and without gesticulation, and keep your jokes and fun for the privacy of your own rooms. I must close this letter for the mail-carrier is at the door. Always your loving Mother. Salt Lake City, Utah.