Talks to Young Men: X, Courtship and Marriage

TALKS TO THE YOUNG MEN.

X— COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE.

In a far off country, there is a sweet belief The Gods first fashioned double every soul, And then divided. From that time till now, One half must seek its other half Through land and sea, and if the search be blessed, They join again, the parted souls, and live Henceforth as one.

The most important problem which confronts a young man when he reaches the proper age, is that of marriage. To many it is quite a difficult problem. To others it is apparently quite easy of solution. The one meets a girl, falls in love with her, and straightway marries her. Such obstacles as financial affairs are as trifling to him as thin air. He loves and weds, as if it were the most natural thing, in short the only thing, to do, and, as the story goes, "they live happy forever after." The other young man lacks the quality of decisiveness. To hesitancy is often added distrust and lack of faith in woman-kind. Then comes a sort of justification for his policy of procrastination. This is followed by a sort of appropriate philosophy which soon manufactures excuses that grow and, in time, become real, solid objections. And thus a bachelor is made. Bachelors think they are happy, and they may be for bach-— elors. They imagine there is a certain freedom and independence that married men are forever denied. There may be some truth in

lALKS TO YOUNG MEN. 761

these ideas, but even truth is capable of being reduced to very small particles, and this independence and freedom is very small compared with the larger truth which involves a life of service to others, and working for and living that others might be benefited. In fact, the highest office is that of the greatest service. Did not the great Teachermake that truth plain when he said, "Let him who would be greatest among you, be the servant of all"? The bachelor, in boasting of his freedom and independence, is serving himself only, and that's a pretty small service, after all. The unmarried man may be a man of principles, industrious and intellectual, but the nobler part of his character lies unde- veloped until he enters into a union with a good and true woman, and calls that woman "wife" and "mother."

"There is nothing like a woman's grace and beauty, To waken mankind to a sense of duty."

It is the married man alone who knows absolutely how small and incomplete is the life of the single man. When inspired by the love of a good woman, and realizing the responsibility involved in such a love, a man is impelled with the highest and strongest motives known to the human breast. It is under such circum- stances that a man develops his hidden powers, and a truer and deeper manhood is awakened, which otherwise must have lain dor- mant for ever. Not only does the married state make the most of a man, but it makes him the most admirable. In society, in business, in every department of human activity, the man who has linked his destiny to the life and destiny of a true woman is regarded with more sym- pathy and respect than the unmarried man. Proper marriage is always a credential for stability, aad few qualities are more desir- able than this in men of affairs of consequence. The estimation of a man is immeasurably enhanced, in the opinion of others, the mo- ment he gives evidence of personal integrity to the extent of aspiring to be a true husband and father. The question of marriage is a one-sided question. To the great majority of men there is absolutely no ground for the negative on this question. There may be a few, but they are very few, to whom marriage is not proper. The achievements of the human race, proud as they are compared

762 IMPR YEMEN T ERA .

with the humble beginning of humanity, are due entirely to the fact that man has recognized in woman the noblest and most adorable qualities of purity and self-sacrificing goodness, and to those qualities he has been true. Whenever woman has been de- graded, social life waned to barbarism and ruin. Six thousand years of history proves unmistakably the fact that the safety, happi- ness and prosperity of mankind are inseparably linked to the proper and highest relationship of man and woman. Of course, there are many marriages that are anything but happy. But they are so few, compared with the millions of blessed unions, that they need no particular attention. Much might be said with profit upon the matter of selecting a wife. It is this

question of selection that causes so much perplexity to many young men. They must do that themselves; no person can help them only in a general way. There are a few women with whom any man might unite and be comparatively happy in that union. But we still believe there is only the one with whom we shall find that superlative felicity. The idea of a fore-ordination of unions is decidedly pleasing to those of romantic tendency; and, alluring a& it may be to the sentimentally inclined, we know of no assurance from any authentic source that is to be relied upon. If it were true, as poetically suggested in our heading, that God, in the be- ginning, created "double every soul," and then separated the two equal parts and imposed upon them the task in their earth-life of finding each other, to us the affair seems to have become woefully mixed. Some of those *'half" souls remain separate from their other half altogether, while others get, in addition to their proper half, two, three, four, or a dozen or more halves which belong each

to the same number of other halves, and so-on. There is and has always been such a mixing up in these aflfairs that the conclusion is forced that the prerogative of selection is given to the parties concerned. We have talked with young men, and for that matter young women, too, who have candidly confessed that in the selection of a life-mate they found themselves altogether bewildered. Some of them have gone so far as to say that they had done all in their power, and if they should not succeed, the responsibility was with the Lord, for they had submitted to him their cause. And in doing

TALKS TO YOUNG MEN. 763

this, they have perhaps surrendered to a very great degree their individual responsibility in the matter. We do not think this is altogether consistent. This life is a great school of individualism. We were not in reality God-like until the gift of free agency was bestowed upon us. And that this power of volition might be de- veloped in us, we were sent to the earth where it could be exer- cised and developed. That it might be so exercised, the past and future are hidden from our view, and faith, the nucleus of individ- uality, becomes our reliance. Hence, the responsibility for our own acts. Our destiny is thus placed in our own hands; and, if in every act, from the cradle to the grave, we bear the responsibility of our acts, in this one of selecting a wife, it must be said to the young man above described, the burden of the initiative is upon you, and while it is proper to ask God for guidance, he will not do the selecting for you. He may direct and guide as your faith may deserve, but it is for you to take the initiative. A few suggestions to the young men who have the task of selecting a wife before them: A few lines are recalled from a somewhat old-fashioned book. They run something like this:

The man that weds a loving wife, What'er betide him in this life. Can bear up under all; But he that weds an evil mate, No good can come within his gate, His cup is filled with gall.

The first requisite to a wife, for our young men, is that she be a true Latter-day Saint. Not only a meeting-goer, or member of the choir, or a Sunday school teacher, but independent of all out- ward performances, a genuine Latter-day Saint, with all that that — term implies and that name implies a very great deal. Do the prin- ciples of the gospel have a real place in her life, in fact,first place? If so, young man, you have splendid promises of success in uniting

yourself with such a woman. Other things, however must be taken into account when out on such an undertaking. The real

strength of a young woman's religious life will be manifest in her daily demeanor, the sweetness of her deportment, the kind of lan- guage she uses,and the expressions which are characteristic of her.

764 IMPROVEMENT. ERA.

Her personal character will invariably be seen in her manner of dress and general appearance. by the style and Don't be misled looks of a girl; and, at thesame time, don't overlook those fea- tures. Is she modest or vain, envious or affected? Take these things into account, for they are sure to be the factors of either hap- piness or misery in nearly every case. Look as far as you can into the home-life of the young lady upon whom you are centering your affections. Does she manifest a kindly regard for the members of her now family, and is she true to the domestic duties of her own home? These are the surest tests of the character of a young woman, and the evidence they afford is immeasurably stronger than that which is seen in the parlor, or halls of social pleasure. We caution young men against the girl who for invalid reasons con- ceals from him her home-life. Such a young lady is almost inva- riably concealing from him her real life.

Of course, it goes without saying, that every virtuous young man must demand absolute purity in the woman he makes his wife. There is no assurance of happiness and prosperity in the matri- monial relationship outside of virtue and integrity. Beauty is a

very miserable substitute for these qualities. Personal charm and fascinating manners may enthrall man's heart, for a time, but purity and innocent fidelity are the only qualities that can retain his love eternally.

Virtue, thou lovliest of all lovely things. From modesty apart no more is fair; And when the graceful veil she flings (Like ether opened to the intrusive air,) Loses her sweetest charms and stands a cipher there.

In the world there is a sort of mad intolerance on the part of men who demand of women angelic purity, but give nothing short of debauchery in return. And the unhappy phase of the situation is that women per force, have become somewhat reconciled to that gross injustice, which, to our mind, is the crying sin of the age, and the highest crime against woman. Such a condition is the greatest menace to social and national life. It cannot be toler- ated among our people. Young men, if you are pure, you can justly demand purity in woman, and it will be forthcoming. But in

TALKS TO YOUNG MEN. 765^

your demands, be sure you give as much as you require. We believe pure men are found in fewer numbers than pure women, the world over. No impure man is safe and honest in con- cealing from a woman that which he really is. Let your life be open to her, young man, for some day she will read every word of your career, and things you would have blotted out of your heart will not escape her eyes. True love is always forgiving and fore- bearing, but the poisonous sting of deception and infidelity mortally wounds pure women. The association of young men and young women should always be candid and honorable. They should strive to be natural and understand each other. More trouble comes into their poor young hearts because of the lack of these principles than perhaps any- thing else. Fickleness and flirting are only found in superficial and vain people. Some young men greatly impair their oppor- tunities in matrimony by being gad-flies of instability. What a woman admires in a man is manliness. When he is a certain given quantity and that quantity is good character, he immediately com- mands respect. Sensible girls don't marry men they cannot respect. Women have much keener insight into human nature than men, as a rule. And when these gad-fly-men pay them their passing atten- tions, women permit it and invariably put the right estimate on those attentions. Such men are constantly used by women, for really most women have a use for men in some way or other. But when those men who have been used by women as social caddies

feel that it is time to be serious, their troubles begin. They find they have made themselves altogether too cheap, and it is pretty hard to find a purchaser. This is the retribution of flirting. No woman, and by no means a flirt, cares for a fickle man. The true woman wants a true lover, and one that will remain so through all their married life. She will be satisfied with no other.

For ill does he deserve a lover's name Whose pale, weak flame Its heat cannot retain:

In spite of absence, hatred and disdain, But does at once, like paper set on fire. Burn and expire.

766 IMPROVEMENT ERA.

Prolonged courtship and extended engagements are not good. If either should be prolonged it should be the former. For in that case lovers have an opportunity of becoming acquainted, and where an affinity exists between them, there will be a gradual and easy blending of their natures. We think a wedding is not a thing of an evening, not an event of a day, it is the fortuitous coming together of two souls which, through years of affiliation

and companionship, blend with each other into a oneness of spirit and purpose. Wedding is not the sounding of a few hackneyed phrases over an altar in the presence of curious guests. It is the harmonious soul- growth which only time and experience can accomplish. Or we may call it courting. When each courts the other, there is surely a wedding going on. Courting should be early and late —not late at night, young man, but late in life. Not over long before marriage, but always after. In courting the young ladies, young men, be true gentlemen, and treat them just as you would have your own sisters treated. You cannot be too circumspect in your attitude toward the oppo- site sex. It is nothing short of depravity and cowardice to trifle with the affections of a young woman. All a girl has in this world is her character (and a man, too, for that matter). Never betray the love and confidence of a woman. If the heart of a young lady goes out to you, even though you may not be in a position to reciprocate her love, regard that experience as a most sacred thing, and, as you value your integrity as a man, protect that woman's feelings. If you are not in earnest, refrain from the intimate association of the young ladies.When you are in earnest, and really mean business, don't be afraid to let it be known to the one you feel is the right one. And if you succeed in your emprise, by reason of your good fortune, don't let a little success awaken in your weaker self a despicable conceit, by reason of which you become a trifler. Remember that it is the force of instinct, to- gether with the life-long education of a girl that leads her to look forward to the day when she will capitulate to a man. Young man, be ready for that surrender, and be true to it when it is made. If you don't desire it to occur, suspend hostilities, and cease the attack. You may have hedged her round about, menaced

TALKS TO YOUNG MEN. 767

"her on all sides, and when the noble creature, whose life's climax is to be a surrender, makes the great capitulation, see to it that it

is made to a man. As Priscilla saith to John Alden: For there are moments in life when the heart is so full of emotion, That if by chance it be shaken, or into its depth like a pebble

Drops some careless word, it o'erflows, and its secret, :Spilt on the ground like the water, can never be gathered together.

YOUTH.

How beautiful is youth, With flow'rs strewn by the way. Like summer winds and show'rs, Where golden sunbeams play. Thou, youth, art beautiful. When Virtue's diadem Eests on thy fair white brow. 0, youth! thou'rt glorious then. —Lydia D. Alder.

GOD'S LOVE.

Were human love all multiplied, By every raindrop of the sky. And sent as one grand tribute To the Prince of Love on high: And then were all of God's great love Divided by the stars up there. And sent back to His children, Then each would get a share More precious, of that gift of love, Than all the world could send above. — J. W. Booth.