In Lighter Mood

LIGHTER MOOD.

When a man is dismissed from employment he always has a good deal to say against his employer. A man, in fact, is like a gun —he makes a great noise when he is discharged.

She is a little tot, but old enough to ask questions. Recently she was out riding with her mother, and in passing a field noticed several cows grazing. "Say, mama," said she, "do cows ever blow their horns?' Whereupon the mother nearly fainted. Elmira Gazette.

An intelligent farmer has discovered that by planting onions and potatoes in the same field in alternate rows the onions become so strong that they bring tears to the eyes of the potatoes in such volume that the roots are kept moist and a big crop is raised in spite of the drought.

A troubled but trusting subscriber recently wrote to the editor of the Huron, Kansas Herald: "What ails my hens? Every morning I find one or more of them keeled over, to rise no more." The reply was: "The fowls are dead. It is an old complaint, and nothing can be done except to bury them."

A young man in a neighboring town advertised for a wife under an assumed name; and his sister answered the advertisement, also under an assumed name. Then photographs were exchanged, and now the young man thinks there is no balm in advertising, and the old folks think it pretty hard to have two fools in one family.

An American who visited the Stevensons at Samoa relates that the Samoans have a practice of begging. They boldly ask for whatever they may covet, wherever it may be found. The novelist became tired of this practice, and therefore said one day to a Samoan friend who had

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IN LIGHTER MOOD. 951

acquired from him a necktie, handkerchief and some other trinket, "Is there anything else you want?" The Samoan made a hasty survey of the room. "There is the piano,"suggested Mr. Stevenson, ironically. "Yes," replied the native, "I know, but," he added, apologetically, "I don't know how to play it."— Saturday Evening Post.

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A small Scotch boy had been summoned to give evidence against his father, who was accused of disorderly conduct in the streets. The bailie began to wheedle him:

"Come, my wee mon, speak the truth, an' let us know all ye ken about this affair." "Weel, sir," said the lad, "d'ye ken Inverness street?" "I do, laddie," replied his worship. "Weel, ye gang along it, and turn into the square, and cross the square — "Yes, yes," said the bailie, encouragingly. "And when ye gang across the square ye turn to the right and up into High street till ye come to a pump." "Quite right, my lad; proceed," said his worship; "I know the old pump well." "Weel, said the boy, with a look of infantile simplicity, "ye may gang and pump it, for ye'll no pump me."

When the Authors' Club in London recently welcomed Samuel L. Clemens (Mark Twain) by a banquet, to the proposal of his health by Sir Walter Besant, he replied by a witty speech, among the many good sayings of which, was the following: I trust we authors will leave to posterity, if we have nothing else to leave, a friendship between England and America that will count for much. (Cheers.) I will not confess that I have been engaged for the past eight days in compiling a pun. (Laughter.) I have brought it here to lay at your feet. I do not ask your indul- gence in presenting it, but for your applause. (Uproarious laughter.) Here it is: "Since England and America have been joined together in Kipling, may they not be severed in Twain." (Laughter and cheers.)