Courtship

Courtship By Venice Farnsworth Anderson OF LATE years the press has been flooded with a great mass of material on the "Divorce Evil." It seems the concensus of opinion is that something should be done to abolish the dreadful instability which exists and is constantly increasing in the American home of today. Since, however, "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure," the real achievement lies not so much in the abolition of divorce as in the insuring of successful marriages. The reformer who speaks so strenuously against divorce and says nothing about preparation for marriage is similar to the mother who refuses to do anything for her child suffering from diphtheria until he is nearly dead and then sends frantically for the physician to ad- minister the anti-toxin. The time to care for the child is long before the disease appears. The time to be concerned about divorce is before the unsuccessful marriage has been consummated. Various laws have been made in an attempt to control the difficulty, but with this problem, as with all problems, the real responsibility rests not upon laws, but upon the integrity of the people. It is a matter of education rather than of legislation. And parents and educators have lagged lamentably in instructing young people in these most vital phases of life. According to Havelock Ellis, the great biological sociologist, savage tribes make no such mistakes in the training of their youths. Whole days are set aside at proper seasons of the year in which the young people are thoroughly instructed by the older members of the tribe in the joys and responsibilities of married life. Among these primitive tribes marriage, as they understand it, is a successful institution. It is only among the so-called civilized races that we find married life looked upon as a great lark which may be taken seriously or cast ruthlessly aside, by means of a divorce court, as suits best the whims of the care-free participants. Divorce is at best a dreadful practice. Though there are cases of such unfortunate marriages that divorce may be advisable, it is in every case an admission on the part of the participants that they have made a miserable failure in one of the greatest contracts of life. In many cases there are more serious results, such as loss of faith in humanity; poor health contracted during married life; or de- pendent, innocent little children who will be handicapped all their lives because of the mistakes made by their parents. If the divorce courts are to be robbed of much of their prey,

COURTSHIP 199 chen, and marriage made a sacred, joyous institution, we must look to the period preceding marriage, to those months or years of court- ing time. Courtship is the process of choosing a mate. This process may last for days, months, or years. It may begin in youth; it is frequently found in old age. Certainly it should last long enough for the interested persons to become thoroughly acquainted with each other's weaknesses as well as virtues. Since so much depends upon the proper choice of a mate, young people should be well guided so that their selection may be based, not upon mere infatuation, which ceases usually as quickly as it begins, but upon good judgment. Certainly the head, well stocked with sound ideals, should guide the heart in the all-important choice of a husband or a wife. An efficient courtship offers the best possible means of making such a selection; and yet, many persons marry without first having a real courtship. Inexperienced young people often just "drift" into the married state, guided by no criterion except what seems to be an irresistible "charm." This "charm" may be based upon a silvery laugh, a lock of hair, or a dimple in a cheek. Not infrequently a girl chooses a husband because he is such a "dashing," "master- ful" fellow. Alas, a dimple often turns into a wrinkle, curly hair may become straight, and a masterful sweetheart may make a selfish, domineering husband. Substantial qualities and traits of real merit should be looked for. It is also well to remember that it is easier to rub off, by means of friendly adjustment, irritating qualities before marriage than after the knot has been tied. In helping to set the right kind of standards for young people to follow, no institution save the home is so influential as the church. Society, and youthful society especially of today, is at- tempting to throw the church overboard as unnecessary ballast. It has been proved, however, throughout the ages that no family life which is not thoroughly grounded in religious principles can long exist. Without the elevating, spiritual and purposeful background which religion offers, married life usually degenerates into a crude, irresponsible relationship. And whether fun-seeking, materialistic society enjoys the situation or not, the incontestable fact remains that a high type of civilization has never been perpetuated unless built upon the foundation of a high type of family life. The making of an efficient home is the most difficult, interest- ing and far-reaching occupation in the world. It demands native ability and special training of the highest type. During courtship is the ideal time to make sure of this training. It is also the time to adjust personalities. Many young couples have stormy courtships, full of heated discussions and heart-breaking disputes. These very

200 IMPROVEMENT ERA young people, however, if they can finally come to agree, will be likely to have little trouble in married life because they have adjusted themselves to each other and to life itself during courtship. There are a great many other young couples who waste the valuable hours, when they should be becoming thoroughly ac- quainted with each other, in the frivolous pastime of "necking." The word has evolved through the stages of "spooning" and "petting" to "necking," but the process of "necking" seems to be very similar to "spooning" except that "necking" is usually done in an auto- mobile while "spooning" was performed on the back seat of a buggy. The process of "necking" may seem perfectly natural and harmless. As a matter of fact, though it may be natural, it is certainly not harmless. It makes the worst possible basis for either courtship or marriage, since it is a mere subterfuge. "Necking," as ordinarily engaged in, does not enhance a person's ability to make adjustments to another person or to life. Unfortunately, it usually has exactly the opposite effect. Like any other bad habit, the practice of it increases the desire for it, so that young people who start with a little "necking" may find shortly that they care to do nothing else when together. Thus worthwhile diversions are excluded. "Necking" is engaged in as an end in itself. None of the fine mental qualities which may exist in either or both persons is developed or discovered. In the end, nothing has been accomplished except the ability to go through the physical formula of loving. Unless there are the sound mental qualities back of this loving, the art has lost its human virtues and becomes a mere beast-like performance. Many girls who in the beginning do not care for "necking" permit the practice on the fake assumption that it will make them more attractive and more popular with the boys. They are defeating their own ends. In the first place, attentions gained in this way are not worth having; in fact, they are often pernicious. They indicate neither chivalry nor affection. School and college statistics prove without question that the girls who receive the real courtesies and school honors are those girls who have respected their own personalities and kept themselves above being mere playthings. It is human nature to tire of the best of toys. A boy who has done a great deal of "necking" usually falls in love with and wishes to marry a girl whom he thinks has not indulged. He is likely to look upon the girls with whom he has done the most "necking" as too cheap to marry. Girls, on the other hand, who demand untarnished qualities in a husband will certainly refuse to fall in love with and marry a boy who has attempted to lavish his kisses and caresses on every girl he has met. A girl who "necks" performs two evils. She not only lowers

COURTSHIP 201 her own standards but she permits the boy to lower his. For if a boy really cares for a girl and she will not allow "necking," he will not do it. If she is tactful she will supply other forms of amusement and he, rather than offend her, will cooperate. For this reason, the entire blame for bad conduct formerly rested upon the shoulders of the girl. Now the fashion, in public opinion, has changed slightly. Just as it is beneath the dignity of a girl to permit herself to be used as a passing plaything, so is it beneath the manhood of a boy to entice a girl into conduct which he should realize in the end will make him lose respect for her and esteem for himself. Instead of enhancing popularity, "necking" frequently puts an end to one of the finest assets in the world, friendship. "A friend is one who entertains for another such sentiments of esteem, respect and affection, that he seeks his society and welfare." (Webster's Dictionary.) The more of such friends young people have, the better opportunity they have of selecting the best companions for life. So long as friendship is kept upon the solid foundation of respect and well-wishing, a large group of friends usually insures a great many wholesome festivities. It is rather difficult, however, for a boy and a girl to slip back to the firm basis of being real pals when they have spent the previous evening attempting to be lovers. The fact that a girl will let a boy kiss and caress her will not of itself make him fall in love with her. The playful conquest of a girl is really half the fun to most boys, and unless she holds herself in reserve and makes him feel that she has something more to offer, he quickly becomes satiated with her company. Besides the loss of friendship and true popularity which "neck- ing" may cause, it has a deteriorating effect upon character. Young people who engage in it to excess fail, as a rule, to develop their spiritual charms. It does not seem essential to a girl who boasts of her art as a good kisser to be a clever conversationalist. And a boy who wishes to be an expert at putting his arm around a girl is likely not to feel the urge of developing integrity, shrewdness, or a sense of social responsibility. Yet how true is the old saying, "We cannot live on love and air." After marriage, kisses and embraces may be repulsive if a girl cannot talk intelligently and a boy cannot earn the necessary bread and butter. Then, too, a girl who engages continually in "necking" is likely not only to disregard mental development, but to rely more and more on the physical charms which will make her more attractive for the moment. In the process she keeps her mind always on outward appearances and gradually loses those very charms of clever-

202 IMPROVEMENT ERA ness, sincerity and sweetness which make her of real value to herself or to any boy. In relying on physical charms as her means of attractiveness, she unconsciously, and that is where the danger lies, attempts to make all such charms conspicuous until she becomes ludicrous to those who watch her. If her legs are shapely, she wears her hose thin and her skirts too short. As her popularity, which stands upon so frail a basis, decreases, as it inevitably does, the paint on her cheeks and mouth increases until her skin loses its human aspect. Any girl who depends for her charm upon outward appearances is in danger of becoming a walking display of "see how attractive I am," and naturally ceases to be pleasing to any well balanced person. The obsessing desire to be a modern Don Juan has an equally disastrous effect upon a boy. If he wishes to be an expert at "neck- ing," he must be a past master in the art of deception. If he is to get the most from any particular girl, he must be able to make her believe that she is the most desirable girl he has ever met. The more accomplished he becomes in his art, the more fickle and in- sincere becomes his personality. Since he wishes to be outwardly pleasing to the fair sex, he pays great attention to unimportant details which have little bearing on real manhood. The color of his tie, the manner of combing his hair, and of pressing his trousers, become matters of gigantic importance, much more important as a rule than the quality of his brain cells. The ability to say that he can make any girl "neck" with him becomes an obsession. The more suc- cessful he is, the stronger assurance he has for society that he will make an abominable husband, since he can in all probability never be loyal to any one woman. A little wife who was captivated by 'him because he knew just how to put his arm around her as a sweetheart may find that he is absurdly irritated if the baby cries at night, or the toast burns in the morning. There are few attributes more desirable in life than a sound, happy attitude toward life and humanity. Anything which shakes our love for and faith in our fellowmen is deplorable. "Necking" has exactly this bad influence. Both persons engaged in "loving," unless moved by a sincere and intense impulse which does not exist when "necking" is indulged in as an end in itself, are playing an unsound game. Each is attempting to deceive the other into believ- ing that either he or she is bestowing real affection outwardly ex- pressed by the caresses. In the majority of cases, the affection does not exist, young people may deceive even themselves into thinking that they are for each other, but a careful analysis of their feelings will usually indicate that they care for the "petting," but do not really care for each other. It is the attitude of mind, not the

COURTSHIP 203 pressure of an arm, which makes human relationship worth while or valueless. The absence of real feeling is soon discovered. A boy who has had a good deal of experience with girls who are willing to "neck" grows to believe that every girl is "an artless little flirt," not worthy of being treated with respect. He goes on at- tempting to find out whether or not his opinion is true, regardless of the fact that he is injuring himself by each experiment. For "necking" with its subtle, bad influences may develop into a habit which is hard to break. The girl who is an habitual "necker" comes to look upon every boy as a means of exploitation: just what can she get out of him by letting him "pet" her. Since she gives nothing of value to him, she receives nothing of value in return. In time she learns to interpret his flattery rightly and to take it for what it is worth — nothing. Naturally she loses faith in herself and in all boys and adopts the distressing philosophy that no man on earth is worth trusting. There is another and more tangible danger in "necking." If the hour is late, the auto comfortable, and the moon just right, loving which may start in the harmless holding of hands or a brief kiss, may suddenly mount into violent passion which neither person can control. When young people are fatigued, as they necessarily are after a dance or late at night, then moral control is greatly lessened. It is so easy to slip from one indiscretion into another until the last step has been reached almost unconsciously and lives permanently damaged. The only safe conduct for young people in the early stages of courtship is to maintain a hands-off policy. Then there is no danger of loss of respect. The same peril of disgrace and sorrow following unwise con- duct, exists in the case of an engaged couple. There is much to be said against the violent expression of emotion even between a boy and girl who are engaged to marry. In the first place, the time could be spent to much better advantage in getting acquainted with each other inwardly instead of by mere outward contact. The lasting pleasures of reading, walking and dancing or of just talking clearly should be developed. Married life cannot exist on "love alone:" engaged life should not be expected to. A long engagement offers the best opportunity of making sure of each other's characteristics, and yet few long engagements end in marriage. Young people get sick of each other before they have really started because they try to make joy rest on outward loving, which has never been the basis for any permanently happy marriage. Then, too, excessive emo- tional display saps energy and lessens physical and moral strength.

204 IMPROVEMENT ERA Too many young people go to the altar physical wrecks because they have engaged in an enervating, passionate courtship. The successful marriage rests upon so many elements of vital importance that there is no room during courtship for unnecessary or pernicious influences. Young people when considering possible marriage mates should look for the best and most permanently ad- mirable qualities. Canyon parties or hikes may offer splendid opportunities for testing out latent traits of character. At such times personalities are likely to be off guard and to show up as they really are instead of as they should like to appear. Of great importance in a happy marriage is similarity of re- ligion. Even in our brutally practical age, religion still holds a powerful influence in the most heart-touching incidents of life. Difference of opinion on religious matters is sure to cause friction just when harmony is most needed. At death beds, at marriage altars, at baptismal fonts, fathers and mothers should stand united in their religious faith. As a rule, too, the same religious training will produce the same moral standards, so that young people will have the same ideas as to what is right and just for both. After marriage, then, there will arise no unexpected trouble about double standards and difference in ideals. Even the most careful courtship may fail to ferret out some of these vital differences in opinion which are the result of a difference in home and religious training. As a rule, persons who have grown up under the same standards of training will be happiest in their married life. Another factor which is of so great moment that the state has made laws concerning it, is the mental and physical health of persons desiring to marry. Though there is still much about heredity that is unknown, there are many principles that have been proved with scientific accuracy. No amount of splendid environment can weed out tainted germ cells. We inherit our physical and mental traits from our parents and an equal number from each parent. Ac- cordingly, it is not sufficient for one parent to be strong if the other is unsound for the child may inherit the weaknesses of either parent. The famous investigations made by Mendel prove that there is no blending of traits. Thus the child of an unusually strong mother and woefully weak father will not be a normal child, but may be either very strong or very weak according to the traits he happens to inherit. And although he may seem normally strong, he carries within himself recessive weaknesses which may appear in his off- spring. It is high time, therefore, for young people to begin to study the known laws of heredity and to desire to marry only persons who

COURTSHIP 205 are mentally and physically sound. Poor health, especially if it is the kind that can be transmitted to future generations, is a handicap which cannot be surmounted. Since heredity is a matter of "the physical relations between generations," it is not enough to consider only the individual. The family tree must be studied to determine whether or not the stock is tainted. Young people, then, should learn the basic laws of heredity, should study all available medical bulletins, should know as far as possible the family tree of those they wish to marry and should consummate marriage only with those physically and mentally fit. A little investigation beforehand may save endless misery after marriage. Another factor which is causing friction in married life and which might be settled to a great extent during courtship, is the economic problem. Many young people consider it beneath their dignity to discuss money matters before marriage. These same people, however, do not find it beneath their dignity to quarrel about money after marriage. As a matter of fact, since the material well being of the home rests so largely upon the ability of the hus- band to be an efficient provider, and the wife to be an intelligent consumer, the financial basis of the future family should be thoroughly understood by both persons. Though money is by no means a sound basis for happiness, a boy should realize that unless he can procure the necessities of life for a family, he has no right to assume the joy and responsibility of that family. And a girl, unless she is both able and willing to add in some way to the family budget, should be content with what her husband can make. What are luxuries to some girls, however, may be absolute necessities to other girls who have had a different kind of rearing. Some girls, on the other hand, are able because of previous training to make a little money go much farther than other girls might who have not had such training. For this reason, as a rule, young people who have been reared under the same economic standards are happiest in mar- riage. There are exceptions to this rule, of course, and a young man's earning capacity should always be rated above the sum of money which he may have on hand. There is no question, however, about the advisability of having money matters thoroughly discussed and agreeable adjustments made before marriage. In no vocation in life is there the need of so great skill, training and native tact as in the maintaining of an ideal home. In this task, good sense and adequate training are of far more importance than curly hair and red lips. For lips, no matter how red, cannot fill the aching void in a man when he wants a well cooked dinner. The boy choosing a wife should decide what factors will contribute most ro his future happiness. If he wishes to lead a butterfly life, h?

206 IMPROVEMENT ERA should choose the butterfly type of girl. But if he wishes a sub- stantial, well ordered home, he must select the girl who can produce that kind of home. As a rule, young people who come from the same social sphere find less cause for friction in their married life than persons reared under widely different conditions. An obstacle which can never be overcome and which often leads to divorce, is a feeling of inferiority on the part of either husband or wife. An ignorant wife, unless she is almost superhumanly tactful, irritates incessantly a high-strung, cultured man. And a crude man, who has failed to take advantage of the finer spiritual resources of his time, is a source of slow torture to a truly refined wife. Similarity of training and experience, on the other hand, produces similarity of tastes and ideals. Common interests are one of the most substantial bonds between human beings. Especially is this true in the case of recreation. Those who enjoy the same forms of pleasure have a fortunate tie between each other. If a husband is wrapped up in dancing and golf, however, and a wife finds pleasure only in reading and cards, they will find little enjoyment in each other's company during those all-important, care- free hours. Marriage is, in truth, a precarious undertaking. Many people cannot get along ideally in it. Society certainly cannot get along well without it, since it is the corner stone of civilization itself. As long as human beings remain the result of an heterogeneous mass of heredity, environment, tradition and temperament, marriage will remain somewhat of an experiment. So strong is the element of uncertainty in marriage that recently several eminent psychologists have been advocating "Trial Mar- riage" as a possible cure for the present instability in family life. To any person imbued with the religious sense of marriage, and blessed with a deep self-respect which holds personality, that superb com- bination of spirit and body, above degrading experimentation, trial marriage is utterly impossible. It is merely a means of legalizing family instability, of licensing promiscuous human relations, now looked upon as prostitution and debauchery. Those who declare that marriage is a failure will find difficulty in answering the irrefutable argument found in the countless numbers of happy homes which do exist. If young people will learn to take courtship seriously and to make an honest endeavor during that time to discover the good qualities, but also to discover and correct the bad traits in their companions, before it is too late; if they will consent to open their minds and to see conditions as they are instead of wilfully blinding themselves to circumstances which are sure to cause trouble later,

COURTSHIP 207 then courtship will take the place of trial marriage, the number of divorces will be minimized and marriage will come into its rightful heritage as the most natural, joyous and service-rendering institution of mankind. Essays Reverence By E. W. Bosgieter WHEN Joseph Smith hearkened to the words of James, "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God — ," he sought the seclusion of a sheltered woodland grove and there in the calm and quiet drew near to God and heard and saw those things which have altered the course of our lives to such an extent that we are a people apart from all the world, while yet we dwell and work in it. What would the result have been if Joseph Smith had been forced by circumstance to offer his humble prayer in the confusion of a disrespectful or thoughtless congregation? Could he have suc- cessfully communed with God amidst the babel of irrelevant, whis- pered conversations and muffled laughter? Read the history of our prophets, ancient and modern, or the story of Christ in the Garden, and where you find them in com- munion with the Spirit of God, offering their devotion unto him, you find the incident marked with beauty of surroundings, with quiet, and with order. The finer things of life, the things of beauty, culture and refinement, that build up the soul and spirit of man, each and all are marked with quiet, serenity and respect. Visit the art gallery, and you find people walking quietly from exhibit to exhibit, concentrating on the beauty of color, of line, of concept, and where conversation is necessary it is done in a subdued voice so as not to disturb the concentration of other visitors at the shrine of art. In our great public libraries, where the wisdom of philosophy, the eventful pages of history, the inspiration of classical fiction, are open to rich and poor alike who seek there for education and growth, quiet, order and dignity are expected and demanded of everyone. Concentration is essential there, and unnecessary noise, of any kind, brings frowns of displeasure from the earnest seekers after knowl- edge who resent any intrusion into their concentration of mind. Today, with the complexities of life, it is not possible — even

208 IMPROVEMENT ERA if it were desirable — for each of us to seek a mountain top for our worship. But it is possible for us to meet together, in the appointed places, dedicated unto God for that purpose, and there mutually worship him and earnestly seek to know his way, singing to- gether the songs of Zion, breathing deep the spirit of his love, that dwells in a house of order, bowing our heads in humble prayer and partaking in reverent silence his Holy Sacrament. If I do not come to church to worship, what right have I then to enter his holy house and with boisterous talk and disrespectful inattention refuse admittance of his Spirit for others as well as myself? Better far that I come not at all, and bear the burden of my shortcomings, than to double the offense by permitting my thoughtless lack of respect and courtesy to mar the beauty of an- other's devotion. And so, with these facts firmly in mind, I can help to make my church a better place in which to worship by using it in a fitting manner myself — by helping to keep it clean, by taking advantage of every opportunity to increase its beauty, by maintaining order through being orderly myself, by letting my light so shine that others seeing, might be encouraged to do likewise. Los Angeles, Calif. A Ranch Picture By Ralph Ramsey Colony Bay, Montana, October 10, 1927 Dear Mother — From present appearances, with good weather and no more snow storms for a while, I believe I can get home the last of this month or the forepart of November. Yesterday a chinook blew from the southwest, raising clouds of dust, sky high, rolling weeds and thistles helter-skelter, upturning racks, haystacks, and plastering everything movable against everything that was not. Today it switched to the northwest, turned bitter cold, and drove intermittent squalls of rain and icy sleet sweeping over the prairies. In time of peace, prepare for war, especially in Montana. The sun will shine warm and friendly, and in two hours the country may be held in the grip of a blizzard. The old man here is quite a character. A grizzly old fellow, shaggily grey, bent and bowlegged, and thin as a rail — nothing to him but his coveralls and mustache. An old time woodsman, he has followed the frontier all his life- — homesteaded in Minnesota, Michigan, and Canada, and shot deer, elk, moose, and caribou in the timbers and tundras of the North. He is full of stories — the tall timbers, the great plains, huntir\gs, shootings, lumber-jacking,