Tact and Kind Words

Tact and Kind Words

By Dr. Franklin L. West, Director, School General Science, Utah Agricultural College

Several years ago, while the writer was doing graduate work at an eastern university, he had considerable correspondence with a famous French scientist for whom he was abstracting certain articles published in three American technical journals. The letters from France will long be remembered because of the pleasing way they were written. The business part of the letter was always introduced with beautifully worded greetings, so courteous and friendly, and the communication closed with felicitations and expressions of good will and kind wishes so gracefully and beautifully expressed that you felt as if the letter came from some very dear friend of long standing or a near kinsman rather than from a scientist you had never seen, written on a purely business matter. This art is little known in this country, and yet it is a great asset in nearly every line of endeavor and in business in particular. Thick-skinned men, who have harsh shrill natures, and who are always doing and saying irritating, jarring things and getting on peoples' nerves, cannot long occupy big positions of responsibility. They can't get along with people. The essence of courtesy is summed up in the proverb, "Politeness is to do and say the kindest thing in the kindest way." It also involves the good common sense of doing and saying the right thing at the right time, as well as neglecting to mention the ugly truth if it serves no useful purpose. Men who are generous in their opinions of others, and who can put themselves in another's place and who are kind at heart, are not apt to offend even if they are not fully practiced in the social graces. One may be firm and courteous at the same time. Tact may consist in speaking words of kindness and good cheer, words that make people happy. This can be accomplished through a little praise, if it is deserved, because the love of praise is one of the strong motives in the human race in seeking advancement. People seek an education befitting a certain — "station in life" a position acknowledged by others as respectable or honorable. The gratification of the thirst for applause is a strong impulsive influence in the race, touching the very

springs of life, and some of the greatest efforts are traceable to

408 IMPROVEMENT ERA

it. This love of praise is without doubt a great stimulus to toil, one of the leading powers as a motive for advancement in life. I do not intend to defend or attack this impulse but simply remind you of its existence. A tactful person may, therefore, speak words of good cheer and may make people happy through deserved praise. There is a distinct difference between praise and flattery. To praise means to laud, commend, approve, esteem, honor, or glorify. To be effective, it must be said with sincerity and be meritorious and true. Extreme praise, or insincere and excessive commendation with deceitful representations, may soothe and charm and beguile, but it is valueless. We call it flattery. Praise therefore is genuine and merited, while flattery is exaggerated and insincere. Needless to say that flattery should never be indulged in. Naturally, also, words even of mild praise ,

would be withheld by a tactful person from one who is so conceited and afflicted with self-love, and so haughty and overbearing, that his manner is quite offensive to others. People of this class, however, are very much in the minority. With most people, to congratulate them because of some success or achievement, to wish them joy, to address them with expressions of sympathetic pleasure, on account of some happy event affecting them, or to wish joy abundantly, will stimulate them to greater achievement and tighten the bands of friendship. When one is flagging, a little praise is a great stimulant, if it be genuine and unadulterated with flattery. It causes pleasure to the speaker as well. To the men and women who are worrying, overworked, and sad and discouraged, our approval of their best, and a few kind words, will give courage, hope, happiness, and a finer self-respect, thereby increasing their possibilities and chances of achievement. To those on whom have settled the great tragedies of life, who are overwhelmed with grief until it is almost unbearable, whose faculties have become temporarily paralyzed through sorrow, it is certain that kind words would be welcome. It is very difficult to congratulate a man to his face without awkwardness, to say nothing of comforting a soul in great distress. Jeremiah said, "I thank the Lord that he has given me the tongue of the learned, so that I should know how to say the word in season to him that is weary." It is thus a matter of learning, when and how to do it, assuming, of course, that we want to replace the sorrow by happiness. One of the commonest sources of great sorrow, and a condition requiring kind words and tact, is the death of a dear friend or relative. Comparatively few people die of old age,

TACT AND KIND WORDS 40W

the majority succumbing prematurely, through a violation of the laws of health, faulty medical care, carelessness, or accident. * * »

— — Some speakers sort of fatalists have said, "When the person is sent for, he has to go. God sent for him." What comfort is there in this thought? The cause of the suffering is the thought of the absence, the taking away of the loved one, and, if it be a case other than old age, the above suggestion only causes the mourner to question the justice and the love of the Lord. It appears, therefore, to the writer that the part of wisdom, good sense, and tact is to say absolutely nothing about the cause of the demise, if it be intended to speak only kind words of comfort. To even say that we don't understand the cause simply adds confusion to a mind and spirit already in a torn and chaotic condition and serves no useful purpose. Well-meaning people sometimes try to comfort the unfortunate and downcast by suggesting that the trials and sufferings that are being passed through are small compared with those of others, and they proceed to portray in great detail, and with a deliberate attempt to paint them large, the misfortunes and sufferings of others. A tactful person would never do this, because the sufferer not only has his own troubles, but now is forced to live through in his thoughts these trials of others. His sorrow has been increased. The better plan would be to direct the thoughts far from — the scene of sorrow not into more sorrow, but into the realm of cheerfulness and hope. Recount past and present blessings, and indicate the great possibilities for the future here and hereafter. A little sincere and well-earned praise and an expression of friendship, good will, love, accompanied by some act of kindness, I am sure would be welcomed. The thought of eternal life and a happy reunion later, expressed by one full of great faith is also appropriate. At a later time when the wound has started to heal, the following thought may with propriety be expressed. Happiness and misery, success and failure, prosperity and adversity, come at times to all of us. Let's do the best we can each day, and then be resigned to what comes, meeting the hard knocks and trials with courage strong, and like men. Tact consists, therefore, in part, in saying the right thing at the right time. A kind and loving and sympathetic heart will not often err in this regard. It is a noble desire to want to "bind up the broken-hearted, comfort all those that mourn, give beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness," but great care must

410 IMPROVEMENT ERA

be exercised, or more harm than good will be done. We need to learn how and when to do it. Let us increase men's selfrespect and their powers of achievement, by wishing them joy and congratulating them with grace, and have in our hearts always the prayer of the Psalmist, "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength and my Redeemer."

A Poet's Testimony By A. A. Ramseyer

While reading a German author (Julius Hansel, Das Leben, 1890), I came across this quotation of Schiller's poem, Die Freundshaff (the Friendship): "Freundlos war der grosse Welten Meister, Fuehlte Mangel; darum schuf er Geister, Selige Spiegel Seiner Seligkeit."

Which translated reads: "Friendless was the great world's Master; He felt the want, therefore he created spirits, Blessed mirrors of his felicity."

The author (Hansel) quoting these lines from Schiller adds: "Poets are always right, and we need not wonder, for they know it first hand through divine inspiration." A very good testimony

of the divine inspiration of poets coming from a chemist! Latter-day Saints will rejoice in finding another bright witness to the saying of the Prophet Joseph: "God, finding himself in the midst of spirits and glory, because he was greater, saw proper to institute laws whereby the rest could have a privilege to advance like himself."* But Joseph's saying is far superior to Schiller's. The poet Schiller died in May, 1805, a few months before Joseph Smith was born. Although the Prophet Joseph did read some German, his readings were probably confined to the Bible in Luther's translation; I doubt that he ever read or even saw any of Schiller's writings. Poets, doubtless, are strangely susceptible to divine inspiration, often uttering truths that the prophets of God unfold in greater clearness or scientists later demonstrate in practical demonstration. Shakespeare and Emerson, if I am not mistaken, heralded such principles.

— *This is found in the report of the April Conference, of 1844 See Times and Seasons of August 15, 1844, pages 612-13. The sermon delivered is commonly known as King Follett's funeral sermon.