In Lighter Mood

— IN LIGHTER MOOD. The chief end of man is the one with the head on. —Chicago News. The following dialogue was overheard in a drug-store: Druggist (to little girl customer): "Did you say pills, miss?" Little girl: "Yes, sir, please." Druggist: "Antibilious?" Little girl: "No, sir, but uncle is." Harper's Weekly. A lecturer "fishing for a compliment" said to a woman in the audience, whom he met at the close of his lecture in a little country town, "I hope that I succeeded in interesting you, madam." "Oh, la, yes," was the reply. "There's so little goin' on in this* deader'n-a-door-nail town that we git interested in the least fool thing. Harper's Weekly tells tliis on a prominent army officer who was discussing the telephone in modern warfare: " 'The first thing I do,' he says, 'after picking up the receiver is to stand in front of a hole in the wall and yell, "Hello!" I get no answer, and repeat the call. About the third time I leave off the last syllable, and the fourth time I put the last syllable first." The following anecdotes of amusing slips of the tongue are going the rounds: A certain minister was reading a chapter from the New Testament, when his congregation was treated to this surprising version of a famous passage, " — and Peter crowed three times and the cock went forth and wept bitterly." Another story tells of a man who, on being asked concerning his familiarity with music, replied that he knew but two tunes: "God Save the Weasel" and "Pop Goes the Queen." When one is offered something for nothing, it is worth while investigating to see where the "catch" comes in. So evidently thought the anxious lady inquirer at an insurance office: "I understand that for five dollars I can insure my house for a thousand dollars?" Clerk: "Yes, madam; if your house burns down we pay you onethousand dollars."

Inquirer: "And do you make any inquiries as to the origin of the fire?" Clerk: "We make the most careful inquiries, madam." Inquirer: "Ah! I thought there was a catch in it somewhere." Honor comes high; se, it appears from the following:, does rent in Washington, in the fashionable quarters. Said a lady to the new western senator: "Now, my dear Senator, I propose to lease this hous« to you for a mere song, as I am anxious to secure a tenant who will see that my handsome appointments are not damaged." "And how much, madam," queried the senator, "are you going to ask?" "Forty-five hundred dollars," calmly responded the lady, "and at that figure it's a bargain." Whereupon the senator of moderate means lapsed into a deep reverie. After an embarrassing silence, the owner of the house said: "Why, what are you thinking of, Senator?" "My dear lady," replied the Senator, "I was just wondering what, in the event of my taking your house, I should do with the remaining $500 of my salary." Harper's Weekly reprints some entertaining impromptu witicisms of the English dramatist Douglas Jerrold. On one occasion, on being asked to contribute to a subscription fund for a needy author, he impatiently inquired the sum needed for relief. "Well," was the response, "I just think four and two naughts will put him straight." "Put me down for one of the naughts," was the reply. A lawyer, replying to the toast of his health drunk at a dinner of artists, stammered out that he did not expect the honor, as law could hardly be considered one of the arts; whereupon Jerrold interjected one word only — "Black." "There's one song in ," remarked a musical bore to Jerrold, speaking of a popular opera, "which always carries me away." "Would that I could sing it," ejaculated Jerrold. It is related that on another occasion a long-winded friend stopped Jerrold, who was hurrying on urgent business along Regent street, with the question, "Well Jerrold, my boy, what is going on?" "I am," retorted Jerrold, shooting by without further response.